It's A Pain That Lingers

Our first OB doctor appointment was at the end of September 2011. Nikki was almost 8 weeks gestation. We were very nervous and excited! The doctor did an ultrasound and was able to see a heartbeat. We couldn't believe it. It had finally happened. After the roller-coaster ride of a year we had, we finally received good news. The pregnancy seemed completely normal. Nikki was very moody and had morning sickness from the very beginning. We had no reason to think that anything was gonna go wrong. But, I'm sure most people are like us, in that we jus assumed our main issue was to conceive. We didn't even consider the possibility that something could go wrong.

At our 12 week appointment on October 20, the ultrasound revealed our worst fears. I immediately knew something was wrong, but the screen was turned away from Nikki. My heart just sank. We were so excited about this ultrasound, and knew what to expect to see. The monitor revealed something quite different. There was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing.

Initially after finding out we were expecting, we began to "house hunt". We needed a bigger home, that was our own, to raise our family in. We found the perfect house. It has 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms, fenced in backyard, storage building in back, covered parking for both vehicles, and most importantly it was "move-in ready". There weren't any renovations or painting that had to be done.

The day of the doctor visit was also the day of our home inspection. We were supposed to meet the realtor and inspector at the house after the doctor appointment. But, the appointment had run long so I was gonna leave Nikki there and go ahead over to the house. Due to me getting upset over missing this second ultrasound, I decided to stay and have Nikki's aunt go. I didn't know then, but I know now, that was a very good decision. I can't imagine if Nikki would have been there alone to get the most devastating news we had ever received.

The next few days were especially excruciating for Nikki. On top of the emotional turmoil, she had to physically "pass" our baby. In order to avoid the D&C surgical procedure, the doctor prescribed a medication that would help her body to miscarry, since she had no signs of doing it on her own. This medicine caused severe cramping. She would wind up taking several doses over a 5 day period. According to the ultrasound, this method should have been sufficient. But, it turned out to be quite traumatic. Nikki was definitely not prepared for what was to follow. She "passed" our baby around the 5th day while she was at work, alone without me. She called me crying and upset to tell me what happened. I should have been there to hold her, comfort her, reassure her. She should not have had to deal with seeing and experiencing that alone.

The days and weeks following our baby's passing is a blur. We put all our energy into moving into our new house. We went shopping and spent way too much money. But, we needed any and every distraction possible. At night we would hold each other and cry, while during the day, we both worked. Trying to "hold it together" long enough to make it through the day, and make back home to each other.

It seemed as if no one understood our grief. It seemed as if most people made light of it. It seemed as if no one around us knew how to handle us. Our hearts were broken. We had lost our child.

Whether a woman experiences an early pregnancy loss, a stillborn baby, or the death of a child at any age, to that woman it's still her baby. Her baby has passed. The hopes and dreams of our family were crushed. People would make comments like, "You just about over it?", "Have you bounced back yet?", or "Well at least you weren't further along in the pregnancy?". How do you just "get over" or "bounce back" after losing a child? Exactly what week in a pregnancy would we have the right to be this upset?

If you've never experienced it, then you don't know. It's a pain that's to the core. It's a pain that never goes away. It's a pain, that a year later, is still fresh. It's a pain that to this day still causes tears to fall. It's a pain that lingers.

Written by Barbara