Behind That Door

Today is the 5th and last day of Nikki's round of Clomid. She began testing for ovulation yesterday using an at-home test kit. According to her usual ovulation schedule, this coming Wednesday should be the day.

Two months ago, this day seemed as if it would never arrive. I think, at least once a day, one of us has needed reassurance. Reassurance that time would fly by; that it was just right around the corner; that before we knew it, it would be here. Now that it's here, we welcome it, but are also anxiety filled.

We hope, with all of the information gained from the past two pregnancies and miscarriages, that this time will be different. Nikki has Rh negative blood. Our donor's blood type is positive. This can cause problems with a pregnancy. She was given a special shot after the D & C to help with this. She will need the shot again during her third trimester of pregnancy. She also had a low progesterone level with this last pregnancy. The doctor started her on progesterone, but we found out later that it was started after the baby had already ceased to grow. Also, this is the first round of fertility drugs taken. So, armed with all this knowledge and precautions taken, it should be a success!

As I lay here in bed, with Nikki asleep next to me, I stare across the hall to the closed door. Behind that door, the room has an empty crib, changing table, bassinet, play-yard, highchair, bouncy seat, boppy pillow, rocking chair; toys yet to be played with; diapers yet to be dirtied; clothes yet to be worn; blankets yet to be used to swaddle; bibs and burp cloths yet to be drooled and spit-up on; a baby bath tub yet to be filled with water; the list could go on and on. Behind that door is a room full of dreams. Behind that door is a room full of possibilities. Behind that door is a room full of devastation. Behind that door is a room full of previous preparations. Behind that door many tears have been shed. Behind that door is our future.

Written by Barbara