Today is the 5th and last day of Nikki's round of Clomid. She began testing for ovulation yesterday using an at-home test kit. According to her usual ovulation schedule, this coming Wednesday should be the day.
Two months ago, this day seemed as if it would never arrive. I think, at least once a day, one of us has needed reassurance. Reassurance that time would fly by; that it was just right around the corner; that before we knew it, it would be here. Now that it's here, we welcome it, but are also anxiety filled.
We hope, with all of the information gained from the past two pregnancies and miscarriages, that this time will be different. Nikki has Rh negative blood. Our donor's blood type is positive. This can cause problems with a pregnancy. She was given a special shot after the D & C to help with this. She will need the shot again during her third trimester of pregnancy. She also had a low progesterone level with this last pregnancy. The doctor started her on progesterone, but we found out later that it was started after the baby had already ceased to grow. Also, this is the first round of fertility drugs taken. So, armed with all this knowledge and precautions taken, it should be a success!
As I lay here in bed, with Nikki asleep next to me, I stare across the hall to the closed door. Behind that door, the room has an empty crib, changing table, bassinet, play-yard, highchair, bouncy seat, boppy pillow, rocking chair; toys yet to be played with; diapers yet to be dirtied; clothes yet to be worn; blankets yet to be used to swaddle; bibs and burp cloths yet to be drooled and spit-up on; a baby bath tub yet to be filled with water; the list could go on and on. Behind that door is a room full of dreams. Behind that door is a room full of possibilities. Behind that door is a room full of devastation. Behind that door is a room full of previous preparations. Behind that door many tears have been shed. Behind that door is our future.
Written by Barbara
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Fertile Myrtle
The next week for Nikki was especially difficult. She was recuperating from surgery, and waiting for her hormones to level back out. We were now playing the waiting game. She had to have two normal cycles before trying IUI again.
In order to successfully do IUI, we must have the following happen:
-Nikki must ovulate on a weekday
-the donor must be able to miss work
-Nikki must have a back-up tech @ work
-hopefully ovulation doesn't occur on the doctor's surgery day
Needless to say, there are many factors that go into it. It's a process, but one that's well worth it.
I've been reading several other lesbian couple's blogs about their journeys. It has made me realize that we are not alone, and many women have been trying to conceive for a lot longer than us, and have gone through IUI and IVF several times with no success. One story I read about journals a couple, who like us, have been together almost seven years. As I read her blog, so much of their story is relatable. She had a "baby born sleeping" at. 38 weeks. Then they successfully had a little girl that's almost a year old. Plus, her partner is due to give birth to a boy in February. I know that no matter the gestational age of a baby, you still feel the loss. But, I can't imagine getting to 38 weeks, that's practically full-term, and going in for an ultrasound only to find out that his heart is no longer beating. There was no cause found to explain his death. Another couple have been doing this for four years. Every month, with the exception of a couple two month breaks, have done IUI and IVF. I ask myself, "What if that's us, what if we have to try for months, even years?" The past year has been a tough one. Can we go through that over and over? The answer: yes. We want a family! We want babies running around our house. We want sleepless nights, round-the-clock feedings, continuous loads of laundry, having to share our bed, running after toddlers, and everything else that comes along with being parents.
This past Monday was an important day for us. Since Nikki's cycle started last Friday, she would have to begin taking the fertility drug, Clomid, on Wednesday. The Clomid helps to produce eggs, but studies have shown that it also improves the quality of the eggs as well. There is a risk of multiples, but we would love as many as we can have. Before starting the medicine, Nikki's ovaries and uterus had to be checked for cysts by ultrasound. At the ultrasound on Monday, the tech said everything looked great. It all looked as it should. She appeared to have a healthy uterus. Both of her ovaries contained several follicles with lots of eggs. To quote the tech, "You should be Fertile Myrtle!"
Written by Barbara
In order to successfully do IUI, we must have the following happen:
-Nikki must ovulate on a weekday
-the donor must be able to miss work
-Nikki must have a back-up tech @ work
-hopefully ovulation doesn't occur on the doctor's surgery day
Needless to say, there are many factors that go into it. It's a process, but one that's well worth it.
I've been reading several other lesbian couple's blogs about their journeys. It has made me realize that we are not alone, and many women have been trying to conceive for a lot longer than us, and have gone through IUI and IVF several times with no success. One story I read about journals a couple, who like us, have been together almost seven years. As I read her blog, so much of their story is relatable. She had a "baby born sleeping" at. 38 weeks. Then they successfully had a little girl that's almost a year old. Plus, her partner is due to give birth to a boy in February. I know that no matter the gestational age of a baby, you still feel the loss. But, I can't imagine getting to 38 weeks, that's practically full-term, and going in for an ultrasound only to find out that his heart is no longer beating. There was no cause found to explain his death. Another couple have been doing this for four years. Every month, with the exception of a couple two month breaks, have done IUI and IVF. I ask myself, "What if that's us, what if we have to try for months, even years?" The past year has been a tough one. Can we go through that over and over? The answer: yes. We want a family! We want babies running around our house. We want sleepless nights, round-the-clock feedings, continuous loads of laundry, having to share our bed, running after toddlers, and everything else that comes along with being parents.
This past Monday was an important day for us. Since Nikki's cycle started last Friday, she would have to begin taking the fertility drug, Clomid, on Wednesday. The Clomid helps to produce eggs, but studies have shown that it also improves the quality of the eggs as well. There is a risk of multiples, but we would love as many as we can have. Before starting the medicine, Nikki's ovaries and uterus had to be checked for cysts by ultrasound. At the ultrasound on Monday, the tech said everything looked great. It all looked as it should. She appeared to have a healthy uterus. Both of her ovaries contained several follicles with lots of eggs. To quote the tech, "You should be Fertile Myrtle!"
Written by Barbara
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Next Time
After experiencing our first miscarriage in October 2011, we told ourselves next time we wouldn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until passed the safe point. Well, it didn't happen like that. We were so excited in July that we shared our good news with our families and a few close friends. Due to the fact of last time having to go back and explain to everyone that we had miscarried, we hoped to avoid that this time. Since our August 15th appointment hadn't gone as planned, we secluded ourselves. We shut out everyone, but each other.
Nikki had blood and a urine test done to check her HCG and progesterone level before we left the office that day. They called later that evening with the grim results. The doctor wanted to recheck her level in 48 hours, and another ultrasound in a week. That seemed to be the longest 7 days of our lives. We tried to hold onto the little bit of hope the doctor had given us. We couldn't imagine how we would face the alternative. My poor wife had been through so much.
The results from the second level check told us all we needed to know. Our hearts were broken again. The next week we went in for the ultrasound. This time we were taken to the main ultrasound room. The room with the more "high-tech" machine and screens. The tech began the ultrasound, and as before we could see the large amniotic sac. But, this time we also saw what we had hoped to see the first time. There on the large screen was the little yolk sac with the fetal pole, but no heartbeat, as expected. The tech explained that the failure to see this on the first ultrasound was a result of the machine used. The resolution and clarity is much better with the machine she was using.
We were taken to the doctor's personal office so she could sit down with us and talk. She came in and told us how sorry she was. We knew that she was disappointed right along with us. As she handed out tissues, we all three discussed the next "plan of action". Due to Nikki's traumatic experience after the first miscarriage, along with the advice of the doctor, a D & C was scheduled for August 27th.
That day was a very sad day, and felt never-ending. We had to be at the hospital early that morning. A nurse came and got her from the waiting room, and told me I could come back there shortly. I sat there thinking about the love of my life, and how she was feeling, and what she must be going through at that moment. Once I went back there we both were a little less nervous. Nikki had been given medication to calm her, and was in-and-out of sleep. I laid my head beside her on the bed and held her hand. I was wishing so badly that I could take this pain from her.
The pain was emotional, physical, mental, and almost felt unbearable. The thing about losing a baby, is that the thought of it never really goes from your mind. Everyday is a reminder of how old our baby should be, or how far along in the pregnancy we should be. Going to the grocery store, being at work, being around family and friends with children, there seems to be "triggers" everywhere. We try to be strong for each other, but mostly it feels like we take turns having breakdowns.
We weren't aware, until the day of the surgery, that Nikki would be put-to-sleep and intubated for this procedure. As I sat alone in the waiting room, waiting for them to finish and bring her to recovery, I dreaded when we would have to go home. As long as we were there, and "busy", we didn't have to think about what today really meant. The doctor came and talked to me afterwards. She said everything went well, and I could go back to be with Nikki after the anesthesia wore off a bit. When I walked into the little area where she lay on the bed with monitors and an IV, immediately we both began to cry. I held her and reassured her that we would get through this. That we could start this process all over again in two short months. That time would fly by. That from everything we had learned from the past two failures would help the doctor next time.
Written by Barbara
Nikki had blood and a urine test done to check her HCG and progesterone level before we left the office that day. They called later that evening with the grim results. The doctor wanted to recheck her level in 48 hours, and another ultrasound in a week. That seemed to be the longest 7 days of our lives. We tried to hold onto the little bit of hope the doctor had given us. We couldn't imagine how we would face the alternative. My poor wife had been through so much.
The results from the second level check told us all we needed to know. Our hearts were broken again. The next week we went in for the ultrasound. This time we were taken to the main ultrasound room. The room with the more "high-tech" machine and screens. The tech began the ultrasound, and as before we could see the large amniotic sac. But, this time we also saw what we had hoped to see the first time. There on the large screen was the little yolk sac with the fetal pole, but no heartbeat, as expected. The tech explained that the failure to see this on the first ultrasound was a result of the machine used. The resolution and clarity is much better with the machine she was using.
We were taken to the doctor's personal office so she could sit down with us and talk. She came in and told us how sorry she was. We knew that she was disappointed right along with us. As she handed out tissues, we all three discussed the next "plan of action". Due to Nikki's traumatic experience after the first miscarriage, along with the advice of the doctor, a D & C was scheduled for August 27th.
That day was a very sad day, and felt never-ending. We had to be at the hospital early that morning. A nurse came and got her from the waiting room, and told me I could come back there shortly. I sat there thinking about the love of my life, and how she was feeling, and what she must be going through at that moment. Once I went back there we both were a little less nervous. Nikki had been given medication to calm her, and was in-and-out of sleep. I laid my head beside her on the bed and held her hand. I was wishing so badly that I could take this pain from her.
The pain was emotional, physical, mental, and almost felt unbearable. The thing about losing a baby, is that the thought of it never really goes from your mind. Everyday is a reminder of how old our baby should be, or how far along in the pregnancy we should be. Going to the grocery store, being at work, being around family and friends with children, there seems to be "triggers" everywhere. We try to be strong for each other, but mostly it feels like we take turns having breakdowns.
We weren't aware, until the day of the surgery, that Nikki would be put-to-sleep and intubated for this procedure. As I sat alone in the waiting room, waiting for them to finish and bring her to recovery, I dreaded when we would have to go home. As long as we were there, and "busy", we didn't have to think about what today really meant. The doctor came and talked to me afterwards. She said everything went well, and I could go back to be with Nikki after the anesthesia wore off a bit. When I walked into the little area where she lay on the bed with monitors and an IV, immediately we both began to cry. I held her and reassured her that we would get through this. That we could start this process all over again in two short months. That time would fly by. That from everything we had learned from the past two failures would help the doctor next time.
Written by Barbara
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Little Bit of Hope
After this first miscarriage, we were instructed to wait a minimum of two cycles before inseminating again. The doctor suggested we try at-home insemination a couple more times before we moved on to another method. By April, Nikki was still not pregnant. We decided that a "break" was needed.
The rigorous testing, planning, stressing, and failures had taken a tole on us both, especially Nikki. She has struggled with blaming herself for "losing" our first baby, and for not being able to get pregnant again. I constantly reassured her that she had done everything right. She quit smoking. She ate healthy food. She took vitamins. She did everything "by the book". I couldn't stand to see her hurting so badly.
During our "break", we just focused on each other, and our relationship. We took a much-needed vacation to Florida in June. We stayed at the hotel, and relaxed on the beach where Nikki first proposed to me on July 3, 2007. It was a wonderful stress relief for both of us, especially Nikki. Which she definitely deserved after all her body, mind, and emotions had been through.
The next step in our journey would be to go about starting our family in a little more medically assisted fashion. We would go to the doctor, and she would perform an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). IUI is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own.
Nikki had the IUI done on July 2nd, the day after her 29th birthday. About two weeks later, we had a positive pregnancy test, just a couple days before my 32nd birthday. July was proving to be a very important month for us.
Our first prenatal visit was on August 15th. We were excited, yet nervous at this first appointment. We sat in the waiting room well beyond our original appointment time. Later, we would find out that the doctor had been in surgery all night, all morning, and she was "running behind schedule" to see her in-office patients. She also was being more rushed due to the fact that she had an early afternoon meeting.
After we were called back to the room, the doctor came in quite rushed. She first did the routine exam, followed by an ultrasound. The screen did not appear as we expected. Our expectation was to see a large gestational sac, with a much smaller yolk sac, with a small "speck" that should have been the fetal pole. Indeed, there did appear to be a perfectly formed gestational sac, but as the doctor "scrolled around", we couldn't see anything else. We were very frightened and our eyes began to well-up with tears.
The doctor told us not to panic. That she had seen this before with other patients, and everything had turned out to be fine. She stated that the baby may be smaller, and not as far along as we'd thought. Due to the fact that we had done IUI, we didn't feel comforted by this statement. But, this doctor had always been upfront and honest with us along this journey. She was the type to tell you "like it is". So, we held onto the little bit of hope she had given us.
Written by Barbara
The rigorous testing, planning, stressing, and failures had taken a tole on us both, especially Nikki. She has struggled with blaming herself for "losing" our first baby, and for not being able to get pregnant again. I constantly reassured her that she had done everything right. She quit smoking. She ate healthy food. She took vitamins. She did everything "by the book". I couldn't stand to see her hurting so badly.
During our "break", we just focused on each other, and our relationship. We took a much-needed vacation to Florida in June. We stayed at the hotel, and relaxed on the beach where Nikki first proposed to me on July 3, 2007. It was a wonderful stress relief for both of us, especially Nikki. Which she definitely deserved after all her body, mind, and emotions had been through.
The next step in our journey would be to go about starting our family in a little more medically assisted fashion. We would go to the doctor, and she would perform an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). IUI is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own.
Nikki had the IUI done on July 2nd, the day after her 29th birthday. About two weeks later, we had a positive pregnancy test, just a couple days before my 32nd birthday. July was proving to be a very important month for us.
Our first prenatal visit was on August 15th. We were excited, yet nervous at this first appointment. We sat in the waiting room well beyond our original appointment time. Later, we would find out that the doctor had been in surgery all night, all morning, and she was "running behind schedule" to see her in-office patients. She also was being more rushed due to the fact that she had an early afternoon meeting.
After we were called back to the room, the doctor came in quite rushed. She first did the routine exam, followed by an ultrasound. The screen did not appear as we expected. Our expectation was to see a large gestational sac, with a much smaller yolk sac, with a small "speck" that should have been the fetal pole. Indeed, there did appear to be a perfectly formed gestational sac, but as the doctor "scrolled around", we couldn't see anything else. We were very frightened and our eyes began to well-up with tears.
The doctor told us not to panic. That she had seen this before with other patients, and everything had turned out to be fine. She stated that the baby may be smaller, and not as far along as we'd thought. Due to the fact that we had done IUI, we didn't feel comforted by this statement. But, this doctor had always been upfront and honest with us along this journey. She was the type to tell you "like it is". So, we held onto the little bit of hope she had given us.
Written by Barbara
Friday, October 19, 2012
It's A Pain That Lingers
Our first OB doctor appointment was at the end of September 2011. Nikki was almost 8 weeks gestation. We were very nervous and excited! The doctor did an ultrasound and was able to see a heartbeat. We couldn't believe it. It had finally happened. After the roller-coaster ride of a year we had, we finally received good news. The pregnancy seemed completely normal. Nikki was very moody and had morning sickness from the very beginning. We had no reason to think that anything was gonna go wrong. But, I'm sure most people are like us, in that we jus assumed our main issue was to conceive. We didn't even consider the possibility that something could go wrong.
At our 12 week appointment on October 20, the ultrasound revealed our worst fears. I immediately knew something was wrong, but the screen was turned away from Nikki. My heart just sank. We were so excited about this ultrasound, and knew what to expect to see. The monitor revealed something quite different. There was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing.
Initially after finding out we were expecting, we began to "house hunt". We needed a bigger home, that was our own, to raise our family in. We found the perfect house. It has 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms, fenced in backyard, storage building in back, covered parking for both vehicles, and most importantly it was "move-in ready". There weren't any renovations or painting that had to be done.
The day of the doctor visit was also the day of our home inspection. We were supposed to meet the realtor and inspector at the house after the doctor appointment. But, the appointment had run long so I was gonna leave Nikki there and go ahead over to the house. Due to me getting upset over missing this second ultrasound, I decided to stay and have Nikki's aunt go. I didn't know then, but I know now, that was a very good decision. I can't imagine if Nikki would have been there alone to get the most devastating news we had ever received.
The next few days were especially excruciating for Nikki. On top of the emotional turmoil, she had to physically "pass" our baby. In order to avoid the D&C surgical procedure, the doctor prescribed a medication that would help her body to miscarry, since she had no signs of doing it on her own. This medicine caused severe cramping. She would wind up taking several doses over a 5 day period. According to the ultrasound, this method should have been sufficient. But, it turned out to be quite traumatic. Nikki was definitely not prepared for what was to follow. She "passed" our baby around the 5th day while she was at work, alone without me. She called me crying and upset to tell me what happened. I should have been there to hold her, comfort her, reassure her. She should not have had to deal with seeing and experiencing that alone.
The days and weeks following our baby's passing is a blur. We put all our energy into moving into our new house. We went shopping and spent way too much money. But, we needed any and every distraction possible. At night we would hold each other and cry, while during the day, we both worked. Trying to "hold it together" long enough to make it through the day, and make back home to each other.
It seemed as if no one understood our grief. It seemed as if most people made light of it. It seemed as if no one around us knew how to handle us. Our hearts were broken. We had lost our child.
Whether a woman experiences an early pregnancy loss, a stillborn baby, or the death of a child at any age, to that woman it's still her baby. Her baby has passed. The hopes and dreams of our family were crushed. People would make comments like, "You just about over it?", "Have you bounced back yet?", or "Well at least you weren't further along in the pregnancy?". How do you just "get over" or "bounce back" after losing a child? Exactly what week in a pregnancy would we have the right to be this upset?
If you've never experienced it, then you don't know. It's a pain that's to the core. It's a pain that never goes away. It's a pain, that a year later, is still fresh. It's a pain that to this day still causes tears to fall. It's a pain that lingers.
Written by Barbara
At our 12 week appointment on October 20, the ultrasound revealed our worst fears. I immediately knew something was wrong, but the screen was turned away from Nikki. My heart just sank. We were so excited about this ultrasound, and knew what to expect to see. The monitor revealed something quite different. There was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing.
Initially after finding out we were expecting, we began to "house hunt". We needed a bigger home, that was our own, to raise our family in. We found the perfect house. It has 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms, fenced in backyard, storage building in back, covered parking for both vehicles, and most importantly it was "move-in ready". There weren't any renovations or painting that had to be done.
The day of the doctor visit was also the day of our home inspection. We were supposed to meet the realtor and inspector at the house after the doctor appointment. But, the appointment had run long so I was gonna leave Nikki there and go ahead over to the house. Due to me getting upset over missing this second ultrasound, I decided to stay and have Nikki's aunt go. I didn't know then, but I know now, that was a very good decision. I can't imagine if Nikki would have been there alone to get the most devastating news we had ever received.
The next few days were especially excruciating for Nikki. On top of the emotional turmoil, she had to physically "pass" our baby. In order to avoid the D&C surgical procedure, the doctor prescribed a medication that would help her body to miscarry, since she had no signs of doing it on her own. This medicine caused severe cramping. She would wind up taking several doses over a 5 day period. According to the ultrasound, this method should have been sufficient. But, it turned out to be quite traumatic. Nikki was definitely not prepared for what was to follow. She "passed" our baby around the 5th day while she was at work, alone without me. She called me crying and upset to tell me what happened. I should have been there to hold her, comfort her, reassure her. She should not have had to deal with seeing and experiencing that alone.
The days and weeks following our baby's passing is a blur. We put all our energy into moving into our new house. We went shopping and spent way too much money. But, we needed any and every distraction possible. At night we would hold each other and cry, while during the day, we both worked. Trying to "hold it together" long enough to make it through the day, and make back home to each other.
It seemed as if no one understood our grief. It seemed as if most people made light of it. It seemed as if no one around us knew how to handle us. Our hearts were broken. We had lost our child.
Whether a woman experiences an early pregnancy loss, a stillborn baby, or the death of a child at any age, to that woman it's still her baby. Her baby has passed. The hopes and dreams of our family were crushed. People would make comments like, "You just about over it?", "Have you bounced back yet?", or "Well at least you weren't further along in the pregnancy?". How do you just "get over" or "bounce back" after losing a child? Exactly what week in a pregnancy would we have the right to be this upset?
If you've never experienced it, then you don't know. It's a pain that's to the core. It's a pain that never goes away. It's a pain, that a year later, is still fresh. It's a pain that to this day still causes tears to fall. It's a pain that lingers.
Written by Barbara
Friday, October 12, 2012
A Lot of Maybe's
I love that after 7 years our love is still so strong. (believe me, we have put each other thru some stuff!) when I look at her I think, "how did I get this lucky to have this woman by my side?". She is strong, loving, kind-hearted, sensitive, beautiful, dedicated, hard-working, faithful, truthful, self-less. She is like my armor, she protects me. I love the feeling my heart feels just from looking at her, whether it's while she's "playing" on her phone; watching TV; walking thru the door after work; laying beside me at night; walking thru the grocery store; (I'm sure you get the point) It's all the everyday things that make me love her more and more. The little mundane things, that so many of us forget about sometimes. How she knows me so well, and despite knowing my short-comings still loves me with all her heart.
Nikki is the type of person who, when she is committed to something, there's no stopping her.
I remember it was the second time I had seen her. We were at a mutual friend's house. I had accidentally locked my keys in my car. She immediately offered to assist me in getting them out. This was a cold November night and it was drizzling rain. I couldn't believe that she would be so nice, and she really didn't even know me yet. Yet, she, and she alone, was out in the cold with me. Not knowing it then, but that moment would not be that last time we would be standing in the cold, with only each other.
Some times that is how it has felt-cold, alone, like no one understood. Everyday people take for granted that: they can marry whom they choose (if you're straight); have naturally as many little babies running around that they'd like (if your straight); the children running wild in their house are truly blessings; the moments when you wanna pull your hair out because the baby kept you up; or when you don't have the luxury to spoil yourself because you have little ones to buy for; the times parents get aggravated in the store because the kids are impatient; the proud moments when your child makes honor role, hits the ball, says those funny little things that kids say, wants one more kiss goodnight, the baby wants to be rocked for just a few extra minutes that night; or each time your child calls you Mommy or Daddy. All of those moments are precious, worth savoring, definitely not worth over-looking, or being made light of.
Each and every moment with the ones we love are to cherished. I get so aggravated when listening to people complain about the everyday things. I wanna scream, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE GIVE TO EXPERIENCE ANY OF THAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD WE FIGHT LITERALLY EVERY DAY TO EVENTUALLY HAVE THOSE GRIPES/COMPLAINTS? IN HOPES THAT ONE DAY WE CAN HEAR OUR BABIES CALLING US MOMMY, AND NOT JUST FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT EVERY TIME? BECAUSE IF YOU DID, THEN YOU WOULD WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND YOUR BABIES AND BE THANKFUL FOR EACH MESS THEY MAKE, EACH DIAPER YOU HAVE TO CHANGE, EACH TIME YOU HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE IF THE NIGHT FOR A BOTTLE OR A BAD DREAM,"
I know we will make great parents! We have fought hard. We know what it's like to lay in bed with an empty nursery next door. We know what it's like to feel like your dreams are coming true, only to end up with disappointment.
I have pushed thru other people's prejustice. I am a person, just like everyone else. I just so happen to have a wife instead of a husband. It doesn't make me a bad person, or make me less-than. Nikki and I have the same dreams most people at our ages and in our positions have.
Our children will be loved, wanted, planned for, waited on, dreamed of, definitely spoiled. Maybe we wouldn't be so thankful and observant if our journey had not taken us where it has. Maybe our love wouldn't be as strong as it is. Maybe that flutter in my heart I feel when Nikki smiles at me, or laughs at my jokes even when I can't even remember the punch line. There are a lot of maybe's!
Written by Barbara
Nikki is the type of person who, when she is committed to something, there's no stopping her.
I remember it was the second time I had seen her. We were at a mutual friend's house. I had accidentally locked my keys in my car. She immediately offered to assist me in getting them out. This was a cold November night and it was drizzling rain. I couldn't believe that she would be so nice, and she really didn't even know me yet. Yet, she, and she alone, was out in the cold with me. Not knowing it then, but that moment would not be that last time we would be standing in the cold, with only each other.
Some times that is how it has felt-cold, alone, like no one understood. Everyday people take for granted that: they can marry whom they choose (if you're straight); have naturally as many little babies running around that they'd like (if your straight); the children running wild in their house are truly blessings; the moments when you wanna pull your hair out because the baby kept you up; or when you don't have the luxury to spoil yourself because you have little ones to buy for; the times parents get aggravated in the store because the kids are impatient; the proud moments when your child makes honor role, hits the ball, says those funny little things that kids say, wants one more kiss goodnight, the baby wants to be rocked for just a few extra minutes that night; or each time your child calls you Mommy or Daddy. All of those moments are precious, worth savoring, definitely not worth over-looking, or being made light of.
Each and every moment with the ones we love are to cherished. I get so aggravated when listening to people complain about the everyday things. I wanna scream, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE GIVE TO EXPERIENCE ANY OF THAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD WE FIGHT LITERALLY EVERY DAY TO EVENTUALLY HAVE THOSE GRIPES/COMPLAINTS? IN HOPES THAT ONE DAY WE CAN HEAR OUR BABIES CALLING US MOMMY, AND NOT JUST FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT EVERY TIME? BECAUSE IF YOU DID, THEN YOU WOULD WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND YOUR BABIES AND BE THANKFUL FOR EACH MESS THEY MAKE, EACH DIAPER YOU HAVE TO CHANGE, EACH TIME YOU HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE IF THE NIGHT FOR A BOTTLE OR A BAD DREAM,"
I know we will make great parents! We have fought hard. We know what it's like to lay in bed with an empty nursery next door. We know what it's like to feel like your dreams are coming true, only to end up with disappointment.
I have pushed thru other people's prejustice. I am a person, just like everyone else. I just so happen to have a wife instead of a husband. It doesn't make me a bad person, or make me less-than. Nikki and I have the same dreams most people at our ages and in our positions have.
Our children will be loved, wanted, planned for, waited on, dreamed of, definitely spoiled. Maybe we wouldn't be so thankful and observant if our journey had not taken us where it has. Maybe our love wouldn't be as strong as it is. Maybe that flutter in my heart I feel when Nikki smiles at me, or laughs at my jokes even when I can't even remember the punch line. There are a lot of maybe's!
Written by Barbara
It Seem As If One of Our Dreams Were Being Realized
In late Spring 2011, having yet to conceive, we were propositioned by a close friend. Her teenage daughter had unexpectedly just found out she was pregnant. She was due in only a few weeks. They asked us if we would like to adopt this baby. The young girl stated that she felt unprepared to parent this child. We discussed an open adoption, due to the fact that we were all friends. She and her mother would be able to have an active role in the child's life. Being adopted myself I can relate to an adoptive child, and as I've stated before we feel like the more people to love a child, the better.
Since we only had a few weeks to prepare for the baby, and since this was something we had wanted for so long, we immediately started to set up the nursery. We bought a crib, changing table, crib bedding, room decorations, clothes, etc. It seemed as if one of our dreams were being realized.
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to adopt. I want a biological child too. But, if for some reason I wasn't able to have a biological child, adoption is a wonderful alternative. Even a first choice rather than alternative. I have always felt very strongly about it. So, when this opportunity was "put in our laps", we "jumped on it". Our families were excited for us. They helped us prepare. I can still remember the first time we went to the doctor with her. We were all standing in the room when she had her first ultrasound. There was a very large screen hanging on the wall, instead of the small monitor the technician viewed. As the technician scrolled around her belly getting different shots of each body part and measuring the baby's size, I caught a glimpse of "HIS" parts. I wanted to scream "It's a boy!". It was only a few seconds later, with me embracing Nikki, the tech said indeed it is a boy. She and I both started crying and hugging. It didn't matter that neither one of us were carrying him, it only mattered that we were having a baby boy.
Next, we needed to decide upon a name. The birthmother had asked us what we wanted to name him so she could start referring to him by that name. The name we chose was very special to us. It was a combination of mine and Nikki's names. Our dream was short-lived though. She changed her mind and decided to parent him. Needless to say, we were devastated. To top it all off, she still gave him the special first name we had picked out. Our hearts were broken as we had never experienced before. We do not hold any grudges and are now at peace with the decision she made to parent him. But, at first we were very hurt and angered over the name issue. Above all, all that matters is that he is loved and taken care of, even if not by us. We were grieving the loss of the child we thought would be ours in a matter of weeks.
I closed the door to the nursery, determined to lock away the hurt, sadness, and devastation that we were feeling. You know, "out of sight, out of mind". Well let me jus say it doesn't quite work like that!
In July that same year we were again surprised to find out that someone else close to us had found herself in a situation. Her pregnancy was unplanned, and found herself wanting to help us. Still broken over the failed adoption and not having conceived, we wanted so badly something good to happen for us. We readily agreed that this was a wonderful blessing given to us on the brink of everything that had happened. Again, just a few weeks later, disappointment followed. The birthmother had miscarried.
But, the sun was about to shine! On Friday, September 2, 2011, we finally got our 1st positive pregnancy test. Nikki was almost 4 weeks pregnant. We went on a trip with my family that weekend to Hot Springs, Arkansas. We were bubbling over with joy and excitement. We just couldn't hold it in. We told both our families and our friends our great news. All was good in our little world...till it was shattered.
Since we only had a few weeks to prepare for the baby, and since this was something we had wanted for so long, we immediately started to set up the nursery. We bought a crib, changing table, crib bedding, room decorations, clothes, etc. It seemed as if one of our dreams were being realized.
For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to adopt. I want a biological child too. But, if for some reason I wasn't able to have a biological child, adoption is a wonderful alternative. Even a first choice rather than alternative. I have always felt very strongly about it. So, when this opportunity was "put in our laps", we "jumped on it". Our families were excited for us. They helped us prepare. I can still remember the first time we went to the doctor with her. We were all standing in the room when she had her first ultrasound. There was a very large screen hanging on the wall, instead of the small monitor the technician viewed. As the technician scrolled around her belly getting different shots of each body part and measuring the baby's size, I caught a glimpse of "HIS" parts. I wanted to scream "It's a boy!". It was only a few seconds later, with me embracing Nikki, the tech said indeed it is a boy. She and I both started crying and hugging. It didn't matter that neither one of us were carrying him, it only mattered that we were having a baby boy.
Next, we needed to decide upon a name. The birthmother had asked us what we wanted to name him so she could start referring to him by that name. The name we chose was very special to us. It was a combination of mine and Nikki's names. Our dream was short-lived though. She changed her mind and decided to parent him. Needless to say, we were devastated. To top it all off, she still gave him the special first name we had picked out. Our hearts were broken as we had never experienced before. We do not hold any grudges and are now at peace with the decision she made to parent him. But, at first we were very hurt and angered over the name issue. Above all, all that matters is that he is loved and taken care of, even if not by us. We were grieving the loss of the child we thought would be ours in a matter of weeks.
I closed the door to the nursery, determined to lock away the hurt, sadness, and devastation that we were feeling. You know, "out of sight, out of mind". Well let me jus say it doesn't quite work like that!
In July that same year we were again surprised to find out that someone else close to us had found herself in a situation. Her pregnancy was unplanned, and found herself wanting to help us. Still broken over the failed adoption and not having conceived, we wanted so badly something good to happen for us. We readily agreed that this was a wonderful blessing given to us on the brink of everything that had happened. Again, just a few weeks later, disappointment followed. The birthmother had miscarried.
But, the sun was about to shine! On Friday, September 2, 2011, we finally got our 1st positive pregnancy test. Nikki was almost 4 weeks pregnant. We went on a trip with my family that weekend to Hot Springs, Arkansas. We were bubbling over with joy and excitement. We just couldn't hold it in. We told both our families and our friends our great news. All was good in our little world...till it was shattered.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Little Did We Know....
The fall of 2010 we decided that it was a perfect time to work on starting our family. We searched the Internet for information on the different methods available to us. The easiest, least expensive, and convenient way was: AHI (At Home Insemination).
The first step was to choose a sperm donor. This would prove to be a much bigger decision than first thought. The donor had to be someone we knew personally because this is a very intimate process. Tho, not as intimate as for a "straight" couple, still intimate. This person had to be in good health; have the time and "energy" to put into this "project" (because that's exactly what trying to conceive became, a science project); have a flexible time schedule. The most important thing concerning the donor was for him to know that Nikki and I wanted to parent this child. We wanted to be the sole decision-makers concerning the child. But, we did like the idea of the donor being someone who would be a part of the child's life, just not a parental role. Also, we knew we wanted a second child later on, and wanted them to be biological siblings.
We believe the more people there are to love the child, the better it is for him/her. All families are different. There's no perfect family. Some families have a mom and dad, some have just a mom or just a dad, and some have two moms or two dads. Some families have biological children, some adopt. I lived in an adoptive home with a mom and dad. Nikki lived in a single-parent home, not having had any consistent, positive male role models. Just because our child won't have a "father", doesn't mean that he/she won't have any male role models. We knew we wanted our donor to play that role, as well we asked a couple of our male family members and they agreed to be that as well.
Needless to say, we felt like we were prepared. It was decided that Nikki would carry our first child, and I would carry the second. finally decided on a donor, the method, and when to start. (We have had many people ask us "HOW ARE Y'ALL DOING IT?; I'll describe it below for all the inquiring minds; because to be honest, we wondered if the at-home method would work too.) The donor we chose is a dear friend. Nikki has known him since she was young. We knew his background, and we trusted him. We trust that he'll never try to play a bigger role in our children's lives than we all previously decided.
Second on the list was to purchase all supplies needed: sterile cups, sterile syringes. Not to be too personal, but here is the process "in a nut shell": specimen is deposited into a sterile cup; specimen is then delivered to us in a separate room; a sterile syringe is used to draw-up the specimen; syringe is used to insert specimen directly into cervix.
Third step was to track Nikki's ovulation We purchased an over-the-counter ovulation kit. Depending on the number of days between her cycles, she would have to check her urine for a certain number of days each month in order to test for ovulation. Once the test was positive, that meant it was "prime time" to inseminate. this would be done for 3-4 days each month.
It was a disappointment each month that it didn't "take". We just assumed like most people do, that whenever we decided to start our family, it would be just that easy. We thought it may take a few months because even "straight" couples that are trying to conceive in the traditional way, sometimes it takes awhile.
We weren't worried at first. It was exciting. Dreaming about the family we would have. Telling Nikki how cute she would look with a baby bump. Anticipating what it would feel like to finally get a positive pregnancy test. These first few months were filled with happiness, excitement, wonder. Little did we know, that heartbreak was right around the corner....
Written by Barbara
The first step was to choose a sperm donor. This would prove to be a much bigger decision than first thought. The donor had to be someone we knew personally because this is a very intimate process. Tho, not as intimate as for a "straight" couple, still intimate. This person had to be in good health; have the time and "energy" to put into this "project" (because that's exactly what trying to conceive became, a science project); have a flexible time schedule. The most important thing concerning the donor was for him to know that Nikki and I wanted to parent this child. We wanted to be the sole decision-makers concerning the child. But, we did like the idea of the donor being someone who would be a part of the child's life, just not a parental role. Also, we knew we wanted a second child later on, and wanted them to be biological siblings.
We believe the more people there are to love the child, the better it is for him/her. All families are different. There's no perfect family. Some families have a mom and dad, some have just a mom or just a dad, and some have two moms or two dads. Some families have biological children, some adopt. I lived in an adoptive home with a mom and dad. Nikki lived in a single-parent home, not having had any consistent, positive male role models. Just because our child won't have a "father", doesn't mean that he/she won't have any male role models. We knew we wanted our donor to play that role, as well we asked a couple of our male family members and they agreed to be that as well.
Needless to say, we felt like we were prepared. It was decided that Nikki would carry our first child, and I would carry the second. finally decided on a donor, the method, and when to start. (We have had many people ask us "HOW ARE Y'ALL DOING IT?; I'll describe it below for all the inquiring minds; because to be honest, we wondered if the at-home method would work too.) The donor we chose is a dear friend. Nikki has known him since she was young. We knew his background, and we trusted him. We trust that he'll never try to play a bigger role in our children's lives than we all previously decided.
Second on the list was to purchase all supplies needed: sterile cups, sterile syringes. Not to be too personal, but here is the process "in a nut shell": specimen is deposited into a sterile cup; specimen is then delivered to us in a separate room; a sterile syringe is used to draw-up the specimen; syringe is used to insert specimen directly into cervix.
Third step was to track Nikki's ovulation We purchased an over-the-counter ovulation kit. Depending on the number of days between her cycles, she would have to check her urine for a certain number of days each month in order to test for ovulation. Once the test was positive, that meant it was "prime time" to inseminate. this would be done for 3-4 days each month.
It was a disappointment each month that it didn't "take". We just assumed like most people do, that whenever we decided to start our family, it would be just that easy. We thought it may take a few months because even "straight" couples that are trying to conceive in the traditional way, sometimes it takes awhile.
We weren't worried at first. It was exciting. Dreaming about the family we would have. Telling Nikki how cute she would look with a baby bump. Anticipating what it would feel like to finally get a positive pregnancy test. These first few months were filled with happiness, excitement, wonder. Little did we know, that heartbreak was right around the corner....
Written by Barbara
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Our Future As A Family
In January 2006, we were both working, and Nikki was going to school to be a Rad Tech. We were so in love, and couldn't spend enough time together. In fact, almost 7 years later we are still so in love, and are always together (with the exception of work hours; we joke all the time that it's probably not "normal" to want to be around each other so much, but then again who defines "normal").
Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. I love children! We have several nieces and nephews between us that we've enjoyed watching grow up, and love being a part of their lives. The youngest two, Kabrian and Ava, are especially close to us. They are my sister's kids. They just moved here a little less than a year ago from Tennessee. They have played a major role during the past year, as far as "helping our hearts to heal".
Getting back on track (I have a tendency to ramble, Nikki always picks on me that I can't leave not one little detail out of a story; I have to admit, she's right, most times she is). Almost from the beginning of our relationship we talked about having children. We dreamed of what our life would be like with a house full of children's laughter, little feet running around, etc. All the things that most couples dream of.
Nikki graduated in October 2008, and soon had a good job working as a Rad Tech for a doctor's office. We were living in a small 2 bedroom, 1 bath house, but we loved it. It was "our little brown house, on the corner lot, lined with trees". But, we knew we would need a bigger home before we had children. So we started to save money just for that: our future as a FAMILY.
Written by Barbara
Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. I love children! We have several nieces and nephews between us that we've enjoyed watching grow up, and love being a part of their lives. The youngest two, Kabrian and Ava, are especially close to us. They are my sister's kids. They just moved here a little less than a year ago from Tennessee. They have played a major role during the past year, as far as "helping our hearts to heal".
Getting back on track (I have a tendency to ramble, Nikki always picks on me that I can't leave not one little detail out of a story; I have to admit, she's right, most times she is). Almost from the beginning of our relationship we talked about having children. We dreamed of what our life would be like with a house full of children's laughter, little feet running around, etc. All the things that most couples dream of.
Nikki graduated in October 2008, and soon had a good job working as a Rad Tech for a doctor's office. We were living in a small 2 bedroom, 1 bath house, but we loved it. It was "our little brown house, on the corner lot, lined with trees". But, we knew we would need a bigger home before we had children. So we started to save money just for that: our future as a FAMILY.
Written by Barbara
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Beginning of Our Love Story
Hi, please be patient w/us during this "beginning blog" experience. It occurred to me the other day that I'm sure there are other couples out there like us. We are two lesbians trying to start our family. Where we live in Louisiana there are few examples to go by. Before we started on this "Journey to Start Our Family", we researched several alternatives. I would have loved to been able to sit down with someone and ask them a million questions. Now, 2 years into our journey, we figured maybe we can help someone, encourage someone, support others that are in a similar situation as us.
I thought I'd start out by telling you a little about my wife and me. My name is Barbara and I'm 32-years-old. My wife is Nikki and she's 29-years-old. Our 7th anniversary is "right around the corner". We met on November 2, 2005. Little did we realize then, but just two short months later on January 6, 2006 we would realize our friendship had developed into something much deeper. It was magical! At the time I was involved with a guy. I had previously been involved with women, and knew I had feelings for women, but because of my religious upbringing I tried to suppress them. Unlike my situation, Nikki came out to her family when she was 15-years-old. She is such a strong person! In January, after realizing, rather confessing, our feelings for each other, I had a decision to make. I had never "come-out" to my family and friends. It would be a tremendous step for me. Basically, I went to my parents and was completely honest with them. I was 25 at the time. My family and I have "been at odds" the majority of the past 7 years. They do not agree with how I live my life (being a lesbian). The love I felt for Nikki was worth any repercussions I may face from anyone. I just knew that what I felt for her was something I had never felt with anyone I had ever known. She made my life make sense! She made me stronger! . Being open and free to love whom I want took a weight off my shoulders that I'd carried around far too long! This is the beginning of our love story!
Written by Barbara
I thought I'd start out by telling you a little about my wife and me. My name is Barbara and I'm 32-years-old. My wife is Nikki and she's 29-years-old. Our 7th anniversary is "right around the corner". We met on November 2, 2005. Little did we realize then, but just two short months later on January 6, 2006 we would realize our friendship had developed into something much deeper. It was magical! At the time I was involved with a guy. I had previously been involved with women, and knew I had feelings for women, but because of my religious upbringing I tried to suppress them. Unlike my situation, Nikki came out to her family when she was 15-years-old. She is such a strong person! In January, after realizing, rather confessing, our feelings for each other, I had a decision to make. I had never "come-out" to my family and friends. It would be a tremendous step for me. Basically, I went to my parents and was completely honest with them. I was 25 at the time. My family and I have "been at odds" the majority of the past 7 years. They do not agree with how I live my life (being a lesbian). The love I felt for Nikki was worth any repercussions I may face from anyone. I just knew that what I felt for her was something I had never felt with anyone I had ever known. She made my life make sense! She made me stronger! . Being open and free to love whom I want took a weight off my shoulders that I'd carried around far too long! This is the beginning of our love story!
Written by Barbara
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