Best Christmas Gift Ever

Well, our IUI on Nov. 2nd wasn't a success. So, the process starts all over again. Nikki completed her second round of Clomid on Thursday. This time the doctor increased her dosage from 50mg to 100mg.

On the seventh day post ovulation blood test earlier this month showed her progesterone level was high. This led us to believe that we actually went in for IUI a day too early. Nikki got a positive ovulation test on that Friday, November 2. We went in that day for IUI. In July, when Nikki had her first IUI, she had a positive ovulation test on Sunday, July 1, and had IUI done on Monday, July 2. Her seven days post-ovulation blood work showed she did ovulate the day of IUI. We got a positive pregnancy test, but she later miscarried in August.

So, this round, we are gonna do IUI the day after her positive ovulation test, and hopefully get good results.

As the holidays are here, our hearts are just a little more heavy. We long to have our children to create memories and traditions with. For now, we have our many nieces and nephews to dote on. But, they're not "ours".

I would never have thought that I'd be 32-years-old, and not have any children. When I was 20, I thought I'd have my 2 or 3 kids by the time I turned 30. Nikki didn't plan on having as many difficulties with conceiving and staying pregnant either. It's funny how we plan things when we're young, and just assume that's how things will "play-out".

I'm glad things did not go as I planned at 20 because I may never have met the love of my life, Nikki. I wouldn't change or trade one minute of our 7 years together. She is my dream come true. She works hard to provide for us. Especially now when, due to back problems, I'm unable to work.

I have always battled with my weight. As far back into my childhood as I can remember, I was always taller and bigger than the other kids. As an adult, I have dieted, exercised, did unhealthy things, all to lose weight. I will lose some, then get lazy and gain it all back, plus some. I've always been very self conscious about the way I look. When Nikki met me I was about 85 pounds lighter than I am now. I've took for granted the ability to walk/exercise. Since last October, when I got another herniated disc in my back that is impinging on a nerve, I haven't been able to do much. So, needless to say, I have put on a few pounds. But, Nikki doesn't see the weight. She sees "me". She sees the woman she loves. There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't tell me how beautiful I am. She looks in my eyes and tells me. Even when I can't find one thing about myself that I like, she finds many, many things. She loves all of me. I never dreamed that I would find a woman like her. She is self-less and encouraging. She makes this journey worth-it. She keeps me motivated and going each day, even on the days when I'm the most down.

She has definitely had to "put-up" with a lot from me. Due to me being Bipolar, I am depressed a majority of the time. She is always there to comfort me and see me thru all of my "episodes". But, I'll write about myself in another blog post.

We hope that this is the last holiday season we have to celebrate childless. We hope to be posting good news in a few weeks. That would definitely be the best Christmas gift ever!

Written by Barbara

Whoever They Are

I watched an episode of Dr. Phil titled "Moms Who Hate Their Own Children". The first mom has a 14-year-old daughter that is autistic. She tells her daughter that she hates her, she can't stand her, asks her what the hell is wrong with her, etc. She also pushes and hits her. The mother said she was a good mom to her when she was little. But, now she doesn't understand the way the girl acts, and doesn't understand autism. Her and her husband are both well-educated. She assumed when her and her husband had the baby, that the baby would be "normal". That the baby would be healthy, just like so many people.

I've heard so many people say, and have even said it myself (to an expectant mother, about a baby before it's born), "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, just as long as it's healthy." Well, of course everyone would wish for their baby to be healthy, but what if it isn't? What if your child is autistic, has Down Syndrome, has learning disabilities, is missing a limb, has an extra finger, has any disfigurement, mental disorder, physical limitations, blind, deaf, etc.

For us, who aren't moms yet, and have been on this journey awhile with no success, our answer is a little different now. When someone asks us, "Do y'all want a boy or a girl, or doesn't it matter, just healthy?", our response is "We just want a baby, just to be moms." Of course we don't wish for our children to have any limitations or anything that would make people want to label them as "different". But, we welcome whatever our child/children bring us.

We vow to embrace them, love them, cherish them, whoever they are!

Written by Barbara

Staying Positive

Last Friday, Nov. 2nd Nikki tested positive for ovulation. This was a special day for us because this was the day we met on 7 years ago. The first test she took at 4am was negative. Since this was the 15th day of her cycle (she typically ovulates on day 13 or day 15), she took another test @ 8am. This test was definitely positive.

The doctor's office didn't open till 8:45am, so Nikki left a message for when they opened. She called our donor, and told him to go ahead and come over to the house. The doctor's office called back and said Nikki's doctor was off that day, but her nurse practitioner could do the IUI. They instructed us to take the specimen to the lab at their office closest to our house. There the tech would "wash and clean" the specimen. Then we were to bring it to their other location where the nurse practitioner was seeing patients. It's about a 20 minute drive from our home to location #1. The specimen must get there within 30 minutes, and kept warm on the ride over. When the lab tech finished she said that it was a good sample, but it needed to have been kept warmer. I suppose since the temperature here has dropped, and it was cooler outside Friday, we should have considered that. She told us not to worry, there was enough live "swimmers" to "do the trick". The washed specimen must now be kept warm for the 15 minute drive to location #2. She said the best way to do that is to stick the skinny tube in one of our bras. Nikki said mine would probably be the warmest, so I stuck it in. We were standing in the hallway where another couple was going into the room we were standing in front of. I'm sure they were wondering why I was sticking this in my bra. Lol

We had to wait about 10 minutes after arriving at location #2. I kept the "little swimmers" close to my heart. Once in the room, we felt like we had quite an audience. Nikki's regular doctor did the previous IUI with just us in the room. I'm guessing since this nurse practitioner hadn't done many IUI's she brought in two nurses. I'm sure the fact that we weren't the traditional couple was also a contributing factor. It didn't bother us a bit tho. The more people we can be "real" around, and show that we are just a normal couple like everyone else, the better. Since most people around here may have a negative attitude about lesbians/gays because of their limited exposure.

The procedure went as planned. Nikki had to lay with her hips elevated for 30 minutes before leaving the office. She must also have a 7-day post-ovulation blood test. This will test if she truly ovulated 7 days previous. After leaving the doctor's office, we went home to wait. The earliest we could possibly get a positive pregnancy test is Tuesday, Nov. 13th. That is just next week! We are always on edge and full of anxiety after insemination. We allow ourselves to dream and imagine as if this time was "the time". We will deal with the disappointment when and if that time comes. For now, we are staying positive!

Behind That Door

Today is the 5th and last day of Nikki's round of Clomid. She began testing for ovulation yesterday using an at-home test kit. According to her usual ovulation schedule, this coming Wednesday should be the day.

Two months ago, this day seemed as if it would never arrive. I think, at least once a day, one of us has needed reassurance. Reassurance that time would fly by; that it was just right around the corner; that before we knew it, it would be here. Now that it's here, we welcome it, but are also anxiety filled.

We hope, with all of the information gained from the past two pregnancies and miscarriages, that this time will be different. Nikki has Rh negative blood. Our donor's blood type is positive. This can cause problems with a pregnancy. She was given a special shot after the D & C to help with this. She will need the shot again during her third trimester of pregnancy. She also had a low progesterone level with this last pregnancy. The doctor started her on progesterone, but we found out later that it was started after the baby had already ceased to grow. Also, this is the first round of fertility drugs taken. So, armed with all this knowledge and precautions taken, it should be a success!

As I lay here in bed, with Nikki asleep next to me, I stare across the hall to the closed door. Behind that door, the room has an empty crib, changing table, bassinet, play-yard, highchair, bouncy seat, boppy pillow, rocking chair; toys yet to be played with; diapers yet to be dirtied; clothes yet to be worn; blankets yet to be used to swaddle; bibs and burp cloths yet to be drooled and spit-up on; a baby bath tub yet to be filled with water; the list could go on and on. Behind that door is a room full of dreams. Behind that door is a room full of possibilities. Behind that door is a room full of devastation. Behind that door is a room full of previous preparations. Behind that door many tears have been shed. Behind that door is our future.

Written by Barbara

Fertile Myrtle

The next week for Nikki was especially difficult. She was recuperating from surgery, and waiting for her hormones to level back out. We were now playing the waiting game. She had to have two normal cycles before trying IUI again.

In order to successfully do IUI, we must have the following happen:
-Nikki must ovulate on a weekday
-the donor must be able to miss work
-Nikki must have a back-up tech @ work
-hopefully ovulation doesn't occur on the doctor's surgery day

Needless to say, there are many factors that go into it. It's a process, but one that's well worth it.

I've been reading several other lesbian couple's blogs about their journeys. It has made me realize that we are not alone, and many women have been trying to conceive for a lot longer than us, and have gone through IUI and IVF several times with no success. One story I read about journals a couple, who like us, have been together almost seven years. As I read her blog, so much of their story is relatable. She had a "baby born sleeping" at. 38 weeks. Then they successfully had a little girl that's almost a year old. Plus, her partner is due to give birth to a boy in February. I know that no matter the gestational age of a baby, you still feel the loss. But, I can't imagine getting to 38 weeks, that's practically full-term, and going in for an ultrasound only to find out that his heart is no longer beating. There was no cause found to explain his death. Another couple have been doing this for four years. Every month, with the exception of a couple two month breaks, have done IUI and IVF. I ask myself, "What if that's us, what if we have to try for months, even years?" The past year has been a tough one. Can we go through that over and over? The answer: yes. We want a family! We want babies running around our house. We want sleepless nights, round-the-clock feedings, continuous loads of laundry, having to share our bed, running after toddlers, and everything else that comes along with being parents.

This past Monday was an important day for us. Since Nikki's cycle started last Friday, she would have to begin taking the fertility drug, Clomid, on Wednesday. The Clomid helps to produce eggs, but studies have shown that it also improves the quality of the eggs as well. There is a risk of multiples, but we would love as many as we can have. Before starting the medicine, Nikki's ovaries and uterus had to be checked for cysts by ultrasound. At the ultrasound on Monday, the tech said everything looked great. It all looked as it should. She appeared to have a healthy uterus. Both of her ovaries contained several follicles with lots of eggs. To quote the tech, "You should be Fertile Myrtle!"

Written by Barbara

Next Time

After experiencing our first miscarriage in October 2011, we told ourselves next time we wouldn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until passed the safe point. Well, it didn't happen like that. We were so excited in July that we shared our good news with our families and a few close friends. Due to the fact of last time having to go back and explain to everyone that we had miscarried, we hoped to avoid that this time. Since our August 15th appointment hadn't gone as planned, we secluded ourselves. We shut out everyone, but each other.

Nikki had blood and a urine test done to check her HCG and progesterone level before we left the office that day. They called later that evening with the grim results. The doctor wanted to recheck her level in 48 hours, and another ultrasound in a week. That seemed to be the longest 7 days of our lives. We tried to hold onto the little bit of hope the doctor had given us. We couldn't imagine how we would face the alternative. My poor wife had been through so much.

The results from the second level check told us all we needed to know. Our hearts were broken again. The next week we went in for the ultrasound. This time we were taken to the main ultrasound room. The room with the more "high-tech" machine and screens. The tech began the ultrasound, and as before we could see the large amniotic sac. But, this time we also saw what we had hoped to see the first time. There on the large screen was the little yolk sac with the fetal pole, but no heartbeat, as expected. The tech explained that the failure to see this on the first ultrasound was a result of the machine used. The resolution and clarity is much better with the machine she was using.

We were taken to the doctor's personal office so she could sit down with us and talk. She came in and told us how sorry she was. We knew that she was disappointed right along with us. As she handed out tissues, we all three discussed the next "plan of action". Due to Nikki's traumatic experience after the first miscarriage, along with the advice of the doctor, a D & C was scheduled for August 27th.

That day was a very sad day, and felt never-ending. We had to be at the hospital early that morning. A nurse came and got her from the waiting room, and told me I could come back there shortly. I sat there thinking about the love of my life, and how she was feeling, and what she must be going through at that moment. Once I went back there we both were a little less nervous. Nikki had been given medication to calm her, and was in-and-out of sleep. I laid my head beside her on the bed and held her hand. I was wishing so badly that I could take this pain from her.

The pain was emotional, physical, mental, and almost felt unbearable. The thing about losing a baby, is that the thought of it never really goes from your mind. Everyday is a reminder of how old our baby should be, or how far along in the pregnancy we should be. Going to the grocery store, being at work, being around family and friends with children, there seems to be "triggers" everywhere. We try to be strong for each other, but mostly it feels like we take turns having breakdowns.

We weren't aware, until the day of the surgery, that Nikki would be put-to-sleep and intubated for this procedure. As I sat alone in the waiting room, waiting for them to finish and bring her to recovery, I dreaded when we would have to go home. As long as we were there, and "busy", we didn't have to think about what today really meant. The doctor came and talked to me afterwards. She said everything went well, and I could go back to be with Nikki after the anesthesia wore off a bit. When I walked into the little area where she lay on the bed with monitors and an IV, immediately we both began to cry. I held her and reassured her that we would get through this. That we could start this process all over again in two short months. That time would fly by. That from everything we had learned from the past two failures would help the doctor next time.

Written by Barbara